Yes, quite.

It’s been a strange few months. Friendships gained, friendships lost, and friendships rekindled. Anxiety attacks and agoraphobia. Depression. A lot of overthinking. I’ve tried to submerge myself in coursework but being alone has just exacerbated the personal problems.

There’s too many what ifs. I wish I’d done this. I wish I hadn’t done that. I know the past can’t be changed but I feel like I’ve already wasted so much of my life. I get told that at the age I am I’ve already achieved and done a lot, but I feel like I’ve done nothing. I see others in worse positions than me - people nearly a decade older with little or no prospects or ambition, but I also see people younger than me doing better than I had at their age. Jealousy is an ugly trait, and it’s not that I wish to be in their position, I just wish I’d achieved as much. I’m aware that my health problems are the main reason I’ve been held back, and the explanation for a lot of problems I’ve had my entire life, but I’m finding it hard to think positively about the future. I feel like I won’t be able to get anything done because there’s not enough time. That’s not even taking into account the strange twists and turns life always takes. The best thing I can do is to concentrate on what’s in front of me, but I’m finding it hard to focus. 

At least for now I’ve taken steps to get myself out of this thought process. I’ve been undertaking an exercise challenge with Bodyrock.tv to make me feel better about my physical appearance, and to try boosting my immune system; improving my diet a little - I’ve always eaten well but there’s always room for improvement; I’ve been prescribed sertraline (as well as antibiotics for, you guessed it, another UTI) which inhibits the reuptake of serotonin so I have more happy hormones floating around, and I’ve been referred to a psychologist for CBT. Now to wait.